Attack Cactus

About 3 weeks ago at a native plant sale I found this little unassuming cactus in among the other plants. "This is native?" I asked the sales lady with a mixture of doubt and excitement. "But, it's a cactus."

"Oh yes!" she said, "it is a species of cactus that is native to Michigan and it is winter hearty! Isn't it wonderful? So unique!"

My thoughts immediately turned to my crazy neighbors who had landscaped their yard with desert cactus only to have them all die over the winter. I pictured them all huddled around the window that looks out over out garden next spring trying to figure out how our cactus survived. That was all it took. With unbridled enthusiasm, I scooped up the cactus in its cute little pot and took it to the check out where I paid three whole dollars for it. What the delightful sales woman forgot to mention was that this was no ordinary cactus. This was an attack cactus.

Upon arriving home I planted the cactus in the garden being careful to wear the thickest leather work gloves and a long sleeved shirt to protect my hands and arms. The needles on this thing were brutal. Menacingly orange, each one was the size of a splinter of wood forming small tufts all over the plant. They stuck to EVERYTHING. They poked through the gloves stabbing into my hands they somehow got all over the inside of my shirt sleeves. I was pulling them out for days. DAYS!

There were times when I was nowhere near the cactus and I would feel one of those fiery orange needles poke into my skin. It was as though the cactus was sending aerial attacks from the other side of the yard. There were even occasions when I was sitting inside on the couch and I would get one in my hand. "WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?" I would scream out. "The cactus is OUT-FRIGGIN-SIDE!" I had to start carrying tweezers to remove the cactus needles from my skin. I had to take them everywhere with me because I never really know when the cactus would attack. Evidently, I am no longer even safe inside.

Today was the final straw. I was at work, in another zip code mind you, when I felt a familiar poke. "FRIGGIN CACTUS!" I screamed out before I could stop myself. My coworker leaned out into the hall with eyebrows raised. "I've been attacked" I said trying to fish out the needle and then under my breath, "by a cactus" Co-workers eyebrows went up even further. "I know it sounds crazy, but I have this cactus at home and it keeps stabbing me with needles even when I am nowhere near it. I don't know what to do." I didn't even have my tweezers so I had to try and pull them out with my fingers. This continued all afternoon. In total, I pulled 14 attack cactus needles out of my hands and arms this afternoon. I hate that stupid cactus.

Here's the thing I don't dare dig it up. Can you even imagine? Attack cactus would go for the throat or worse yet, the bad eye. So, my faithful readers (and lurkers), I need your help. How do I bump off the attack cactus with out being showered in a deluge of fiery orange needles?

To be continued...