My neighbors (no not those neighbors, the ones on the other side) like to honk their horns. I mean REALLY like to honk. These people probably have to replace the horns in their cars because they get so much use that they wear out. Seriously.
This is why I call them the honkers. Arriving home? Honk! Leaving? Honk! Throng of children blocking the driveway? Honk! Garage door opener out of batteries? Honk! The wonder that is honking has not escaped their friends either. They think that a car horn is the same as a door bell only more convenient because you don't have to get out of the car. People come over constantly. If a quick BEEP doesn't get the attention of the people inside the driver may try a longer beep or even a series of beeps. Sometimes it starts to sound like a novel translated into Morris Code out there.
Recently, a giant truck pulled into the honkers driveway and laid on the horn just as I was in the middle of walking across the room with a bowl of molten soup filled right to the brim. The honk didn't startle me enough to spill, however, it sent the dog into a barking frenzy. He sprinted across the room, barking, and crashed into my leg. Then I sloshed my soup all over the floor. And me. And the dog. I put the soup down on the table and got a napkin. So now I'm kneeling under the table wiping up the soup and they honk again. Feeling a little edgy, I jump and promptly bang my head on the underside of the table. Warp does not bark. He is too distracted because he is busy trying to lick soup off his back. Rubbing my head I get up off the floor and sit down to eat. As I am lifting the spoon to my mouth I hear "Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep". I start slightly but my will is ironclad. I inch the spoon closer. As I open my mouth they lay on the horn again only really loud this time and I jump. Again. And splash soup on my face. Feeling vaguely shell shocked and dripping soup, I decided to cut my losses and have a sandwich instead.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Featured Neighbor: The Honkers
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neighbors
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3 comments:
I think that a mid-evil rotten egg catapult is in order. Start lobbing those things over the house, from the concealment of the back yard, if the beeps exceed 1 second or bursts of 3 in series. Trust me, perfectly legal. Besides, they will think they came from the portable laundry shanty on the other side.
I'll grab you a couple dozen "past fresh" eggs from the Green Life Market.
I think you should interview and spend some time in the neighborhood should you ever move. I think you might have the worst neighbors I've ever heard of.
Not the worst neighbors. The neighbors across from me also blow their horns and at all hours of the night. They have 3 kids and when the kids have friends over the parents will pick them up at 11 even 12 at night and rather then knocking on the door to retrieve their kids they blow their car horns. Furthermore, they have dogs that roam the streets. Not only do these dogs relieve themselves on my flower beds and other people's yards, they run after you barking if they see you in the street. Charming, right? Oh yeah, and they don't have curtains in any of the windows. That means I can watch their big screen tv from my living room - and his late night tv viewing is gross if you know what I mean. So, I don't think anybody is safe from bad neighbors. I want my old neighbors back who lived there. They were 80 and wonderful.
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