S'more marshmallows please!

Without question, the best part of camping is s'mores. And the best part of s'mores is the marshmallows. So much so, that I love to just eat them toasted all by themselves. As it turns out, marshmallows have a lot of sugar in them. This becomes important for two reasons:

First, all that sugar means that marshmallows are highly combustible (read: BB never means to, but, always somehow manages to light them on fire). I put the marshmallow on the stick. I place the stick over the fire. I think to myself: "yeesh, this is really taking a long time. Maybe I'd better move it a little closer so that it gets nice and golden brown. I can't wait to eat this toasty marshmallow." At that very moment, as if on cue, the marshmallow bursts into flames. I am, however, thinking about eating the marshmallow and paying no attention to the fact that it is now engulfed in fire. I smell something burning. I look down in dismay to discover what has happened. My immediate reaction is to wave the stick back and forth furiously to extinguish the marshmallow. At this point, the person unlucky enough to be across the fire from me begins to weave and bob frantically in an attempt to not be hit by a flaming, aerial, marshmallow attack. In response to their yells of protest, I stop waving it around to extinguish the fire I begin to blow on the marshmallow in a manner reminiscent of the big bad wolf. Although, by now, the whole thing is pretty much black. I do not wait for it to cool off. I eat it right away. I burn my mouth. I gasp in pain which then causes me to choke on the little pieces of black ash. I swallow the molten marshmallow, and ask for another. This cycle repeats itself until we run out of marshmallows or I fall asleep on the picnic table when the sugar high wears off.

This brings me to a second interesting point about marshmallows having a lot of sugar. As it turns out, if I eat enough of them I bring amusement to not only myself and those around me but also to the unsuspecting folks at adjacent campsites. This past week, while camping, Warp, Chris, Chris's brother, and I were sitting around the campfire. I had consumed an unusually large number of marshmallows that evening was was halfway into a knock knock joke about a duck and a spatula that I can not seem to recall, when I became suddenly and overwhelmingly tired. "I'm very tired and I need to go to bed right away" I announced.

Chris and his brother exchanged dubious glances. "What right now?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, you can't go to bed now, your just lit your marshmallow on fire!" his brother said.

"Crap!" I yelled as I began frantically waving the marshmallow stick back and forth.

After I ate the marshmallow I decided to sit at the picnic table and wait for Chris and his brother to put out the campfire. Then, I thought I would just put my head down for a minute while I waited. I awoke with a start to the hiss of the campfire being put out with a bucket of water. As I turned my head, I noticed a long black line across my field of vision and I felt a poking sensation on my forehead. I reached my hand up to discover that I had fallen asleep on the marshmallow stick which was now firmly affixed to my forehead with residual goo. I quickly pulled it off before anyone noticed.

"Come on" Chris said "we need to get another bucket of water to put out the fire."

After a quick stop at the bathroom, I told Chris I would meet him at the water pump. When I got there I thought, maybe I will just sit down on this stump for a minute while I wait. Once I sat down, I thought, maybe I will just close my eyes for a minute while I wait. I must have dozed off again because when the squeak of the pump startled me awake I yelled "ARRUGH!" and jumped to my feet. Evidently, I was not the only one who was startled. The guy using the pump stumbled back while simultaneously sloshing himself with water. He then turned and stated walking very fast in the opposite direction. Moments later Chris walked up, picked up our bucket and we headed back to camp together.

"Ready to go to sleep?" he asked.

" You have no idea" I replied.