Sunday, August 26, 2007

Scare a racoon in 10 easy steps

Night one of the camping trip: we realized we were in for a long night when 10 minutes after zipping the tent shut raccoons began to emerge from the woods and surround us. The dog, of course, went ballistic. This is when Chris must have gotten the idea for how to scare a raccoon in 10 easy steps:

Step 1: Select an isolated area with lots of hungry wildlife and no one to hear your screams.
Step 2: Prepare a fragrant and delicious meal outside.
Step 3: Wait until dark, then go inside your tent and zip it closed.
Step 4: Sit inside tent, in the dark, listening with mild alarm as the raccoons begin to close in.
Step 5: Cover ears as dog goes ballistic and begins to bark continuously and with great zeal.
Step 6: Attempt to calm down dog.
Step 7: Jump back as raccoons bump into wall of tent while wrestling with each other outside.
Step 8: Carefully select weapons in case you must defend the tent fortress. Recommended weapons include large rocks, a pudgy pie iron and a camping lantern with a loud warning siren.
Step 9: Go to sleep.
Step 10: Sleep in silence as a 47 lb raccoon tippy toes up to the tent window and peers inside. Lay in silence as the dog attempts to attack the 47 lb raccoon *through* the tent wall. Then, with out warning, snap open eyes while you sit bolt upright in sleeping bag zipped up to the neck and simultaneously scream at the top of your lungs. *NOTE* For best results, make a noise that sounds like both the Tasmanian devil from Loony Toons and a person puking up a large shoe.

It is probably worth mentioning that Step 10 not only scared the 47 lb raccoon but also the wife and the dog.


Estee said...

I missed you guys!!! It sounds like you left your mark on the local wilderness. Just think, somewhere out there in the world a raccoon is writing a blog entitled, "Did you know that humans made noises like this...??!!??" Good times.

Grace L. Wu said...


Scott said...

Always the little scientist! I love that fact that you actually took a measurement of the racoons size based on silhouette, tent impression, and vocal emmissions. In the midst of a crisis you continue to gather good technical data. Bravo!

Heather said...

OMG I am crying laughing over here! It could've been worse... There could've been moose outside the tent tooting... Hehe

Jessica B. Burstrem said...

OK, I laughed until my eyes teared and one of them began to twitch shut. Then I began to have trouble breathing and actually started making "hee hee" sounds. Maybe it's 'cause it's midnight and I am on one bottle of Coke - all it takes for me - and I'm trying to read Lacan for school. But I love your blog.